Update: PayPal now works in Kenya! You can also now withdraw from PayPal through Babawatoto or LibertyReserve.

So, after all the drama and excitement here, things could only go up, right?

Wrong.

I received my card on Tuesday, and Simon, the agent who opened my account, was nice enough to bring it down for me. He’s usually stationed at the  KCB tent opposite GPO. Nice guy. I’d harassed him so much on the phone that he probably knows me by ringtone. So when he texted to tell me my card was ready, I texted back and said I was on my way.

Simon either saw me coming a mile off, or he remembered my habit of keeping time, but by the time I got to his tent, he had my card waiting. I didn’t have to queue or anything. Yay! He also gave me the names and emails of several IT guys who I could call in case of problems with my card. I had him write them on the PIN number envelope, because I was sure I wouldn’t lose it.

And then I lost it. Crap!

I got home late after several errands, so I didn’t try my card until Thursday night. By then, I had confirmed that the card account has a minimum balance of Ksh 300, and a monthly charge of Ksh 100. Not too bad, I can live with that.

On Thursday night, I keyed my card into my Paypal account for verification. It alerted me that my bank had blocked the transaction, and that I should call them for details. It was past 10.00 p.m. so obviously I couldn’t call anyone. I decided to sleep on it.

At 5.00 a.m. on Friday, I tried to key in the card again and got the same result. I was feeling pretty tense because I was expecting a payment through Freelancer, and I didn’t want to explain to my client that my new Paypal account was frozen … already!  After trying the card four more times and failing, I checked the time. It was way too early to call Simon, and I’d lost the number of the IT guy.

I did some elementary math and decided that two and two makes five – I’ve always been bad at math. I concluded that the bank had rejected the card because the names didn’t match. I had opened my Paypal using my middle name, which in most places appears as an initial.

So I closed my Paypal account and opened a new one, using the exact same details, but this time. I used my last name. Then I added the card to the new account. Paypal instructed me to contact their Card Problems Centre. I sent them an email, then twiddled my thumbs and waited for a reasonable hour to call Simon.

As I sat there worrying, I realised that none of my business contacts know my last name, so they’d never issue a cheque in that name. So I deleted the second Paypal account and opened a third one, this time using my common middle name, and my personal email address.

Paypal says, ‘This email is already registered to an account. If it’s your account, please log in.’ What?! It turns out I’d opened a Paypal account in 2007 and never used it. Oh boy.

I then went through all my Paypal accounts, including the one from my mum, and deleted them. Apparently, it’s s common thing, because when I was asked my reason for closing the account, there were fifteen options including ‘This is a duplicate account.’

Ok. Done. I now have one active Paypal account in the name that everyone knows. Good. Time to add the card. And Paypal says, ‘Contact Card problems’. Good Lord!!

Card problems at this point sent me an email saying I can only add a card to one account at a time. I realised that in their system, my dead accounts still had the card attached, so I emailed and explained this, then waited for an answer. A while later, they replied saying I could now add my card, but it still refused.  reason? I’d mailed them using the address on my dead duplicate account. The gods hate me. really. They do.

So I sent yet another mail, and this time they told me to attach the card, and that if I had a problem, I should mail them using the address on my new account.  I keyed in the card. It refused. I sent yet another email and waited. As I was waiting, Simon called me back, and I asked him for the IT guy’s name and number. We then had a conversation [where I noticed that the name, voice … and other things … of this IT guy seemed very familiar]. He instructed me to load my card account. Apparently, the bank had not rejected the card because of my name. It was because the account was empty.

I explained to the IT guy that I had paid Ksh 1000 to open the account, and he told me 500 was to open the account and 500 was to process my card, so actually, my card was in overdraft. Groan. He then said that if I made an immediate deposit, then attached my card, I could call him and he’d give me the verification codes. I wouldn’t have to wait the standard two-day period for a card statement.

I went to KCB Haile Selassie to deposit some funds in my card account. I walked into the wrong door and a nice lady redirected me before the security guy could find something to throw at me. At the cashier’s, the deposit slip was four numbers short, so I had to put the extra numbers in my account somewhere else. Apparently, the slips are printed for regular accounts, and card account numbers have four extra digits. To make things even better, the teller was new, so he had a trainer over his shoulder.

When the computer started beeping. he thought it was his fault, and asked for help in panic. The trainer taunted him for a while, then took over. Then they tell me my account was invalid and that I had to go to the Card Centre branch to get it sorted. The Card Centre branch is in Sarit. Just shoot me now. Pretty please?

I called the IT guy, who said he’d sort it and get back to me. An hour [and several kilometres] later, he called and told me everything was sorted and I could safely make my deposit. Trouble is I was now at a school function, miles from any KCB branch. So I hung around for a bit, then gave baby girl a kiss and excused myself so I could get to the bank before closing time. Deposit went without a hitch, but now I had to get to a computer before the IT Department closed for the day.

I keyed in my card and … nothing. I called the IT guy, who told me his records did not show any activity after 5.40 a.m. It was now almost 5.40 p.m! He suggested  i try a different ISP, so I got off Zuku, hunted down my trusty Orange modem, loaded it, and keyed in my card. Still nothing!!

The IT guy then suggested I pass by their offices the next day and see if he could fix the problem. He half suspected I was keying in the wrong thing, but it was still pretty nice of him. So the next day found me at Sarit Centre pacing outside locked doors. Eventually, I was let in, went to the computer, keyed in my card and … nothing.

I then explained the saga of my multiple accounts, and he said the only solution was to get a new card at a charge of Ksh 500. Curses and damnations. Which is my way of saying *** I wrote a little letter, got my ID photcopied, and left. IT promised to call me when my card was ready.

When I got home, I found a n email from Paypal saying they had corrected their data and that I could now add my card to my account. They explained that this was an exception, and that in future, even if I  closed an account, I could not attach the same card to another account. I replied explaining that my card had already been cancelled. They sent me a link to a survey on customer care, and I was not very polite in my responses. It was a very frustrating weekend.

Come Monday, on a whim, I decided to try attaching my card to the account. It worked! My hands must have shaken for a full five minutes. When I recovered my wits – and the use of my fingers – I called the IT guy and asked him if he could cancel the cancelling of my card. He said he’d call me back.

A while later, he gave me the verification codes and stopped the cancellation. Yay! I then wrote to Paypal explaining that I had now attached my card. I browsed my account looking for the ‘receive money’ or ‘withdraw money’ tabs, but I couldn’t find them. How now?

I received an email from Paypal saying that my withdrawal limit had been lifted, and that I could now receive any amount of money that I wanted. It gave me a link to regulations for receiving countries. the link had a list of countries where I could make Paypal withdrawals. Kenya wasn’t on the list.

So when they sent me another survey, I ranted about them not allowing withdrawals in my country. I was even more angry because a new client had been skeptical when I explained that we couldn’t use Paypal in Kenya. He’s American, and in his mind, Paypal is like Starbucks and McDonalds – it’s everywhere. So my claim made me a con. Not cool.

To their benefit, Paypal did write me a nice long reply explaining that condititons were not ripe here for Paypal, and that it was not a personal slight against me or my country blah blah blah. It was actually a really nice letter, but I still can’t withdraw from Paypal 🙁

So. Solutions. Well, I can apply for a Payoneer card for my Freelancer jobs, and I can use my Moneybookers account for other payments. But Moneybookers is kind of like Zain. Their service is great, but nobody uses them, and fewer people have heard of them.

The way I see it, I have two options. I can either spam Paypal until they give Kenya a break and let us receive through them, or I can do a major ad campaign for Moneybookers. Which one do you think would work?

Crystal Ading’ is a professional author, editor, rock lover and mother. Her work is available through www.threeceebee.com.